There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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