remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
