I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
