so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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