I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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