dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
