Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
