you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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