If that was your dad, he is hot
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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