Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
