i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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