is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
