I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
