I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter