The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
In other news, I just burned my penis
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.