I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.