this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
