So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
