Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
