What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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