I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
