Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
