it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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