my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
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