Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
