Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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