I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my being single is dangerous.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
