mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
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