you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
