We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
