I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
