apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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