you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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