I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
