he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
