he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
