Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Come on in and take your pants off
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