My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
