Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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