People in love make me want to vomit
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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