My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
