first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You can't just leave with hair like that
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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