I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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