i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
