I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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