I'm so fucking centered right now
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
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You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Panties = found
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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