Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
