I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
