That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
