Soap is not a condiment
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
