You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I need a burrito and a hug.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
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