How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
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You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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