If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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