um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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