I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
