I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
