Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
