Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
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Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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