think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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